Michael Bay's YGO Abridged/Transcript
(Intro) YAMI: Michael Bay's Yu-Gi-Oh! is filmed before a brain-dead studio audience. (cut to the school, where Yugi and Joey are playing Duel Monsters) YUGI: Hey, Joey! Earth to Joey! (Yugi appears, with Shia LaBeouf's face plastered over his) Hey, are you in there? It's your move! JOEY: Sorry, dawg. Being a cliched comic relief sidekick makes it difficult to concentrate on card games...homey. TRISTAN: I know wha- (explodes) YUGI: By the way, my grandpa has a super-fly game shop. It'll be a great place to meet chicks so we can get a date for the prom this weekend. JOEY: Fo' shizzle, my nizzle! TRISTAN: I agre- (explodes) KAIBA: (thinking) Game shop? That sounds like an important plot point, which means it's probably not going to factor into the story for at least another 45 minutes. Until then, here's Linkin Park. (part of the music video of Linkin Park's In the End is played before it is cut off by an explosion) (cut to the game shop) YUGI: Hey, gramps, the prom is this weekend (puts the emphasis on the "end" part), and I was hoping to impress this chick at school. So, can you give me any dating advice? SOLOMON: Have you checked her MySpace page? YUGI: MySpace? You're crazy, Grandpa! It's so funny when old people talk about young people stuff. Don't you agree, Tristan? TRISTAN: Yea- (explodes) SOLOMON: I got this card off eBay. (holds up the Blue-Eyes White Dragon card) JOEY: Nyeheheheh! Old people don't know how to use eBay! This honky grandpa be trippin'! YUGI: Joey's racial slang makes him an endearing character. KAIBA: I'm here for your trading card, human, and I won't take no for an answer! Now, give it to me! SOLOMON: Sorry, I couldn't hear you, I was too busy being stoned. JOEY: Nyeheheheh! Old people don't get stoned! This honky grandpa be trippin'! KAIBA: I'm going to leave and come back later when all these crazy hijinks have died down, and the plot is ready to move forward. SOLOMON: That Kaiba kid needs a date for the prom this weekend. TRISTAN: Big- (explodes) (cut to Yugi answering the phone) YUGI: I sure hope this is a hot girl calling to ask me out on a date! KAIBA: It isn't! Also, I kidnapped your grandpa! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! YUGI: Oh my God! What are we going to do, Tristan? TRISTAN: (offscreen) I think we should- (explodes) YUGI: Good point, Tristan. Let's go rescue him! (cut to Yugi and the group running up to Solomon) YUGI: Grandpa! How are you holding up, man? SOLOMON: I think World War II just started! KAIBA: That's right, humans. And now, check this sh*t out! (rips the Blue-Eyes White Dragon card in half) YUGI: OPTIMUS! I mean, the-the Blue-Eyes card! JOEY: Damn, sucka! That sh*t be wack, y'all...homey! KAIBA: What'd he say? YUGI: He said that wasn't very nice. KAIBA: Oh. YUGI: Don't worry, Gramps. I'll win this duel and take Téa to the prom like I always wanted, because that's the most important thing in this show. Dating a girl. SOLOMON: Don't forget to add me on Facebook. YUGI: Ha! Old people don't use Facebook! You really are tripping, Grandpa. SOLOMON: I'm also dying! TÉA: (is wearing a bikini) Jiggle jiggle jiggle, jiggle jiggle jiggle, jiggle jiggle jiggle, jiggle jiggle jiggle, jiggle jiggle, boobies, jiggle, boob boob, jiggle jiggle, jiggle boobs, jiggle jiggle, progressive dialogue, jiggle jiggle jiggle. YUGI: Téa's right. We shouldn't let her near anything we do, ever. Unless it involves seductively repairing motorcycles. TÉA: Jiggle, jiggle! JOEY: C'mon, Tristan. Let's go get Yugi's grandpa to the hospital. (long pause) Tristan? (long pause) C'mon, man, aren't you gonna say something? TRISTAN: I- (explodes) (As the explosion clears, Yami Yugi appears with his normal face.) YAMI: It's time to duel! But let's make it quick, because I need to get a date for the prom. KAIBA: Holy crap, the plot is actually advancing! (a hologram of Hitotsu-Me Giant appears) YAMI: Damn, sucka. Are those real monsters? KAIBA: Actually, they're just highly expensive CGI creatures that cost over $90,000,000 to create, and yet look about half as real as animatronic puppets from 30 years ago. YAMI: You gotta be trippin'! Who wastes all that money on something like that? KAIBA: Hollywood. (summons 3 Blue-Eyes White Dragons) YAMI: Hold the phone! Did your crazy ass just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn? KAIBA: Yeah, so? YAMI: That's against the rules, isn't it? KAIBA: Screw the rules, I'm an alien! YAMI: Oh. Wait, what? KAIBA: That's right, Yugi! I'm the last survivor of an alien race that once ruled the galaxy! How else would you explain all this advanced technology I have? YAMI: Umm...you're rich and intelligent? KAIBA: No! That's not believable at all! Nobody would buy into that! We have to make sure the kids will be able to understand why I have all this stuff. And the only possible explanation they'll accept is that I'm an alien! YAMI: That really just seems to be making things unnecessarily complicated. MOKUBA: Big brother! Did you tell him we're aliens yet? KAIBA: I was just doing that, Mokuba. YAMI: That doesn't even make sense! You just said you were the only living survivor of your race! KAIBA: Yeah, that's a plot twist. YAMI: Oh, for the love of...why can't we just take an established concept that people already love and translate it to the big screen without making all these unnecessary changes? I mean, I could accept Joey talking like a black guy. JOEY: (offscreen) Holla! YAMI: But this? This is just idiotic! You're not an alien! KAIBA: By the way, it turns out you're an alien, too. YAMI: No. KAIBA: Because the ancient Egyptians were actually aliens. YAMI: No, no, no. KAIBA: And the Millennium Puzzle is actually an alien artifact. YAMI: Nope. I'm not doing this. Mind Crush. (Kaiba wails in pain offscreen) YAMI: And now I'm going to ask Téa to the prom, because that's why everybody's watching this show. Not because of the awesome monster fights and epic storyline. It's because they want to know if I get laid by a hot chick. That's what Yu-Gi-Oh! is all about, folks! Now, here's Linkin Park. (the last of Linkin Park's In the End music video plays, then is interrupted by a black screen with text saying "fool") YAMI: Damn, sucka. 1x01BAY